"The LORD is slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no ways clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of fathers upon children, upon the third, and upon the fourth generation." - Numbers 14:18 (RSV).
I was once speaking to a preacher about his ministry in Houston. He ministers in an area that is higher in crime than most of the other places in Houston. Drug deals, arms deals, shootings, theft, rape, murder, and countless other crimes are prevalent in the area. He lamented how so many of the children in the community grow up to be criminals, especially boys. He lamented further how so many of them lack proper fathers. Biological fathers. He noted the state of the family in decay. Depressingly high number of single mothers, mistreatment by mothers' boyfriends, and abuse by stepfathers were all too common.
He told me, and I paraphrase for I lack the precise memory of what he told me: "Maybe this is why God chose the masculine pronoun to describe himself. To help our kids remember that, in the absence of their biological fathers, God Himself will be the model of a true parent. Maybe this is why Jesus came down in a male form. To teach our kids the model of what a proper man should be like, that they may not pay for the sins of their fathers." If in the past our society taught toxic masculinity to our boys and taught girls to accept it as a norm, the current society does not have the slightest idea on what should replace the old idea of masculinity. The preacher attributed the calamity to the lack of proper father figures.
But, reader, what I have summed up of the preacher's word is no news to you, is it? Modern psychology notes too well the affects of absent biological fathers. The knowledge is too well promulgated that the term "daddy issue" became a part of English vocabulary to describe certain common self-destructive behaviors (which, I do note the offensive nature of the term), primarily to females. The behavior is commonly noted by fear of detachment such as committing to long, overdrawn fruitless relationships and acting vindictively against men who shut them out. On the flip side of the coin, the term is also applied to males in that they are unable to sustain a fruitful relationship, resorting instead to one-night-stands to fill their God-sized emptiness. Again, all these are nothing new to you. The facts have been made too well known.
Despite these facts, despite the level of self-awareness we have as a society on this issue, we are unable to overcome them. Why? Is it denial? Is it lack of willpower? Is there anything that can be done apart from our own will and higher power? Perhaps the answer in many cases is simply to have fathers connect with their children. Reconcile with them. Consider these archetypes:
A man, grown without a father, is convicted of second degree murder. He got his girlfriend aged 23 pregnant when he was 17. His girlfriend decided to keep the baby and he agrees to support him as best he could. However, by the time he was 20, he is barely able to pay his rent. He succumbs to the temptation of drugs and eventually becomes addicted to crack cocaine. He is surrounded by unstable characters, those who are beaten down and cursed by the conditions of the society they are living in. The streets are brutal. So they harden themselves, become brutal as the streets. One day, the man gets into an argument with another visitor to the drug den on the front yard of the den. Next thing he knows, he puts three .38 rounds into the man's body. By the time he is sentenced to prison for thirty years, his son is still too young to know the fullness of the situation. He keeps nagging to his mother to go see his dad, and she would comply. He keeps nagging to his grandmother to go see his dad, and she would comply. But by the time he hit his puberty, however, he stops nagging. He hates his father. He hangs out with the wrong crowd. The mother lost the courtesy to even ask her son if he would like to go see his dad. One day, the man's mother came to visit. She tells him that his son got into trouble. He goes back to his cell and cries. He cries himself to sleep for months. Every time he sees his inmates play basketball out in the yard, he reminds me of those movies where white boys throw baseball with his white father in their white front yard in their white neighborhood. He asks himself: Why was I so fucking stupid? Why was I so damn weak? There is no one in his life to encourage him by saying: "The past is past. Take heart, for it is never too late. Reach out to him. Quit your crying and send a letter apologizing to your son. When you get out, be present for him as much as you can."
Consider now a man of great privilege. He is a career criminal lawyer who dealt with hundreds of criminal cases. He worked with psychological expert witnesses often and read up on defendants' background enough to know the crippling affects divorce can have for his daughter. Yet he committed to his divorce anyway. With his ex-wife in custody of his daughter living with her new husband ten states over, he only gets to see his daughter once or twice a year. He suffers through the humiliation of the stepfather taking care of her and the heartbreak of seeing her in a picture of her just with her stepfather, smiling, touring foreign countries on Facebook. She uses the word "dad" interchangeably between him and her stepfather when other kids call their stepfathers by calling them "stepdad" or by their first names. A part of him hates his daughter for he knows so clearly who she blames for the divorce. The best he did to show love is to threaten men she is angry at with frivolous legal action on her behalf, borderline abusing the power of the attorney, and send her material things that will wither or be forgotten. What else could he have done with such a distance dividing him and his daughter? He slowly realizes the psychological affects the divorce had on his daughter as she grows older to her thirties, and laments his decision to divorce his ex-wife. Why couldn't I fight harder for my daughter? Why did I give up so easily? Why wasn't I able to negotiate a deal like I always to in my profession? There is no one in his life to encourage him by saying: "The past is past. Take heart, for it is never too late. Reach out to her. Quit your job if you have to. Be present for her."
A man of privilege or no, the pangs of not being with one's offspring is perhaps the greatest in the world. Worse yet, those who regret their decisions will suffer additionally from the crippling guilt. The only thing I can say is this:
It is never too late. Heal. Reconcile. Send a letter of apology.
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